


Starless Sky

by g4mz33s



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past Drug Addiction, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-28 12:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8445505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g4mz33s/pseuds/g4mz33s
Summary: This is what you deserve.You lost your moon and your stars, you lost everything that matters.Your sky is empty now.





	1. All Goes To Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my actual first thing ever and yeah.  
> I hope at least someone enjoys this idk. I hope you have some fun with the angst. :p ~

Your name is Gamzee Makara and... fuck your motherfuckin' life.

You just woke up from a terrible nightmare, which you actually can't quite recall.  
But you know for a fact that it had to be motherfuckin' awful. You're lying in a pile of the softest and most colorful cushions you could gather - most secretly stolen from your friends. Messiahs know they have enough. They have some to spare. Yet, they are soaking wet, you're sweating heavily, your breath is unstaedy and you shake. Your throat is dry and sore and hurts like a motherfuck, so you must have also been screaming.  
Oh and yeah. You're sleeping dry lately.

You're off your beloved sopor-pies now, for almost two weeks. You had to promise to quit that motherfuckin' addiction, to your moirail Karkat. He said it was unhealty, would be doing all motherfuckin' wicked shit to your think pan, stated again and again and motherfuckin' again that he was worried sick.  
  
And you're pretty sure that was the Egbert-Human's doing.  
He told Karkat motherfuckin' lotta shit, about a doomed timeline he experienced, somehow, somehwere, you don't really get that shit - where you played a weird game you've never heard of but the humans apparently did, which is also how they found you, even though it seems to be a total different timeline, a total different universe even, and also you went supposedly homicide and worked under some evil greenish motherfucker for whatever reasons.  
Suspecting it was because of your lifelong sopor-addiction, or... the lack of it, when you went sober, unintentionally, but maybe just maybe it was a motherfuckin' demon-doll toying around with you and and and...  
  
You called motherfuckin' _bullshit_ , that's what that is. But Karkat wouldn't listen.  
  
Even said you were some holy immortal motherfucker, who just wouldn't die.  
  
" _Because you can't keep down the clown._ "  
  
Whatever the fuck that means. You're pretty sure you're just a regular fuckin' troll, a highblood - yeah, but still a normal motherfuckin' troll and you can die anytime, just like any other troll.  
What the fuck Egbert !? That's what you would call motherfucking shenanigans. You would like to honk at that bullshit.

You don't get that shit at motherfuckin' all. Why would your best friend believe that stuff ? You !? On a fuckin' murder-rampage ? Yeah, clearly, motherfuckin' sure, you'd go murderous and your Lusus baked you chocolate-cookies every morning. Ha-motherfuckin'-haha. You're the chillest Chill-Bro in motherfuckin' Chill-Town. You would not at all be up for any of that shit that's for sure.  
But Karkat insisted. Wouldn't stop yell at you in the matter.  
" _Stop. CUT THAT SHIT OUT. STOP GAMZEE. YOU GOTTA STOP. Controlled, but you need to stop.. YOU. STOP._ "  
  
Alright. Damn you, little nubhead. Alright, he's got Tav as a backup there to be honest, he was all up in the idea of you quitting.  
So you stopped. For him. For both of them, for fucks sake.  
Even though you have no fuckin' clue how that is supposed to be controlled-quitting. Probably since Karkat feels like he can control you ?  
You're pretty much on cold-turkey here though, motherfucker.

It was pretty motherfuckin' awful. At least at the beginning. It's starting to ease day by day. At least you think so. You aren't shaking as much over the days anymore, you actually can manage to hold a mug in your hands without throwing it off and let it crash into a thousand neat pieces onto the ground immediately. Yes you were shaking like a bitchtit in heat. Motherfuckin' miracles. There are days where you aren't hurting so much anymore either. It really used to get to your fuckin' horns. They hurt like a bitch lately. But so did your guts. They felt cramped and contracted and just hurt to the extend where you thought you would miserably die any second.  
Also, you think eating works better, too. You could keep it to yourself the last time you ate, even though you don't quite remember when or what that was exactly. That sure has been different at the very beginning. You couldn't keep shit. Not even Faygo. It has been some days now, you don't feel lots of hunger anymore. It should be alright tho.  
But then sleeptime on the other hand ? Yeah. Sleeptime is Helltime. Nightmares, Daymares, it didn't fuckin' matter you got them all.

So fuckin hell, you don't dare to sleep in your recuperacoon. You don't trust yourself that much yet. Not really. You wouldn't say you're completely off sopor yet. You just don't. You never thought it would only take two weeks to be clean, it's not that easy. It needs a shit ton of work and discipline and motherfucking strength.  
Karkat better not find out you're sleeping dry though. That also, isn't quite much the healthiest motherfuckin' lifestyle. Fuck the nightmares that haunt you almost everytime you try to gain some rest - if you can even call that resting, 'cause sure as fuck, rested is everything you do not feel. You indeed feel like a cheese critter that's been freshly fucked by a big musclebeast. But... that shit'll pass. You hope.  
You do wonder why you can't remember any motherfuckin' nightmare though. You wake up, every motherfuckin' time you try to sleep, you sweat, you shake, you can barely fill your lungs with precious, precious air and you're fuckin' panicking again and again. Messiah's know why, cause you sure don't.

But one thing, you do know. Your think pan isn't working as it is supposed to be.  
You feel so ... weird. A familar kind of weird, though. From a long forgotten, long motherfuckin' time ago. You feel... sad lately. You aren't used to that shit anymore, really. You can't really handle it either. You're totally used to being all happy and chill. But..you feel devastated. A gross sadness is what you feel, that twists your guts and just doesn't go away. You even dare to say you feel.. depressed ? Is that was depression feels like ? Are that weird dark thoughts that haunt you lately part of it ?  
  
You don't know really. You know you have felt similar when you still where a fuckin' little wriggler. When your Lusus left, and barely came home, and you felt so very alone, unloved, hated even - and not in a good way, you had a hard time even breathing to stay alive.  
Oh yeah, that's why you actually started motherfuckin' sopor. Because there were things inside you wanted to kill. Guess that didn't quite work out. Kill would mean gone. Well the shit's obviously still there. Or maybe it's just sopor-aftereffects ?! Who knows. It'll paaaaasssss..motherfuckin' definitely.  
Plus, you don't really find a reason to be sad. Why the motherfuckin' fuck would you be ? You're fine. Yeah, you think you are. You're gettin' along with most of your friends. You would say so ? No problems, no fighting, you got your chill on with everyone.  
You have your quadrants filled, even. It goes all well.

Tavros is your matesprite, and he's the most lovely one you could possibly motherfuckin' ask for, you're so happy, so incredibly happy, you can't find a word that's even better, but you sure would want to, 'cause happy sure is an understatement. You loved the little one with his gigantic horns - that may or may not have punched you in the face sometime you were cuddling in pile together - forever. You never dared to even imagine this could be a thing. Him and You. But it happened. And it was all you could possibly ask for. MIRACLES.  
  
Karkat is your moirail. You love him. You pity him so much, it hurts. It's the palest shit you ever dreamed of. Motherfuckin' miracles is what that is.  
You'd go to hell and back for him, dammit. You do right this second. You hope the yelling cutsie at least appreciated that.  
  
You even got your fucking pitch quadrant filled. However you motherfuckin' managed to do that, you're not even sure. It's Equius fuckin' Zahhak who became your kismesis. You don't really hate the guy, but somehow he can really get to your nerves. You're not even sure the weirdo hates you, but you know he desperately wanted you in this quadrant. You know he's a bitch for your color. He is SUCH a bitch for your motherfuckin' color, oooh you know. And he demands orders from you every time; calling you Highblood and would never dare to call you by your motherfuckin' name. Sure pisses you off sometimes, but if that makes him happy, sure you motherfuckin' roll with it... buuuuuut it really pisses you off. You don't see youself as.. the motherfuckin' Overboss, not the way he does, you are a Highblood that's for sure but either way. Sure..pisses..you motherfuckin' off... Okay, maybe it was some kind of hate. Miracles, brother.

But it goes damn fuckin' well. You are okay. You are damn sure you are okay. You should be motherfuckin' well. Happy-go-Lucky they call it. That's what you should be. And yet.. you're fuckin' ...unhappy. You're feeling such a motherfuckin' desperation for no obvious reason. You feel alone. You can basically feel the darkness crawl up your spine. The shaking won't stop. Your thoughts darken every now and again. The wet pile of cushions won't give you any kind of comforting warmth or softness, just sticking, disgusting, burning cold wetness. You sure don't like that shit.

You get up. You can't find no more rest, even though you feel that you need rest so motherfuckin' bad. You get up, walk through your dull new block to get to your ablution trap, the fastest you can manage. You need to wash. You're sticky with cold sweat, it grosses the shit outta you.  
You have a towel and a fresh pair of clothes ready. You get rid fast of your soaked clothes and turn on the cold water, feel it dripping down over your shoulders.  
Your hair is soaked fast enough and the water drips down your chin. You feel a bit better at that. You start to feel clean, as the sweat is washed off your still trembling body. The unhappiness though, won't wash off. You kind of hoped it would.  
  
When you're finished and dried up, you put on your fresh, clean clothes and you feel at least a bit less.. dirty.  
You make your way to the mirror. First things first ! Despite feeling fucking horrible, you have to get a fresh greasepaint on your face after that cold, not so refreshing shower. Paint is motherfuckin' important. It's fuckin' holy, man. Also you feel naked and ugly without it. Paint makes everything better. The smell already gives you a chill on. Normally. But even when you're done..  
You still feel pretty awful.  
  
Your nugbone and your horns hurt. Your horns hurt so freakin' much with every move you make. You feel really dizzy all of a sudden and you really do need a motherfuckin' rest, which is denied from you. You feel so sick. Sick to your stomach even, you have to swallow the urge to throw up right there. Holy motherfuck, what is wrong with you !? Can't even paint, which you adore and enjoy such a motherfuckin' lot, conjure some happyness down your belly !?  
  
You walk past your block and head to your front door. You need to get outta here. Peace and Rest cannot be found in here right now.  
On a table next to you, you see one of Karkats sickles. He must have forgotten it the last time he popped in your room, yellin' about Terezi fuckin' Pyrope and how she annoyed the shit out of him once again. You actually found it pretty funny, it's not like that shit is serious. Terezi is okay to you, though. You like her actually. You like it when she askes you out for "videogamezees" and it is always lots of fun indeed.  
However - the little nubs is annoyed so fast, it must be bad for his bloodpressure. You're sure of that, so you always try to calm him by putting soft kisses to his forehead, fingers tingled softly in his fluffy hair, mumbling calming, soothing words into his ear. You have the strange urge to see Karkat now. Maybe inform him about his colorful, funny looking sickle he forgot, not that he starts missing it, searching like an idiot, getting annoyed yet again and pumping up his precious bloodpressure. Looking at it closly, it really looks funny. It's pink and yellow and white, it's so amusingly weird. Purple would probably look good on it...  
  
Most of your weapons do look funny, let's be real here. Miracles... Funny looking little things, meant to actually hurt or kill even. Hilarious.  
And yeah maybe, just maybe, when you already had the time to pass by at your best bro's block, you can get some nice, soft rubs on your already aching horns and tell him about the shit that's bugging you, cause you sure haven't told anybody yet. But given the fact you still have to deal with that stuff after all these weeks, it may be better to get your best friend the know of it then. A bit of soothing would be motherfuckin' bitchtits right now. The miracle you need.

 

* * *

 

You leave your rooms and walk along the hallway. Jegus, you miss your hive. Why the hell are you all even here ?  
Oh yeah, you all currently are in a huge fucking place, almost like church. Except that it's not a church. It's like a...monster mansion that once belonged to an Empress or who the motherfuckin' shit ever. You guys found this place one time, abandoned, enough space for all and every one of you, more than enough. It was Karkat's idea to spend the next month in this fucked up huge place. You got no idea why. But he persisted and wanted everyone around. Everybody was, strangely, totally into that idea and went along with it. So did you, you motherfuckin' idiot. You kinda had to. Being alone in your hive, you would've never made it. Givin' up on sopor and everything. You would still toss that shit down your throat. But you miss your hive, you're a stranger to this place and you miss your horns and your Faygo, your plushies, you miss all of that.  
  
So yeah... it's big here, foreign, cold, blank even, there's not much color or even lovely details at all. It's mostly pale gray, some weirdo rooms are even a weird kind of pink, but still blank and uncomforting really. Ew. You'd like more colors though, more fluffy things, things that feel like home. You don't really belong in this shithole. You just really miss your hive and the nearby ocean even.  
You make your way through the shithole without looking around to much, it's not like there's something spectecular to see. The corridors are mostly empty, long old cracks on the ceiling, no windows. Just a few lit torches on the walls that serve as the current only light source.  
It's also quiet. Weirdly quiet, the motherfuck is everyone ? You should at least hear some shouting or laughing or both, you're sure. But nah, nothing.  
  
Alright though, you can enjoy some silence. Silence isn't the worst you know. Maybe that is even better for your aching think pan.  
You wander along the plain halls until you reach Karkat's door. You can hear some muffled swearing , some weird rustling. Oh motherfuck, he's angry about something again. That little motherfucker has to get his chill on, you swear to the Messiahs.  
  
You just decided to enter. You don't even knock, you actually never did.  
As you sew the door shut behind you, Karkat looks at you. He looks fuckin' shocked, startled.  
And then.. disgusted.. ?  
He turns away from you immediately, his arm wrapping around something he hides before his chest and he looks freaked out.

You feel like a bother already, given that reaction, but you manage to stutter out them little words, "Hey K-Karbro, you got some time for a broth..-"

"WHAT THE FUCK GAMZEE. GET OUT OF HERE."

You are confused. Okay. What. "Sorry ..? Look best friend, i just wanted-"

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU UTTER FAILURE. I CAN'T SEE YOU RIGHT NOW. GO AWAY DIPSHIT. LEAVE. DON'T COME BACK AGAIN. FUCK. OFF."

"Bro.. what ? Is something wrong..?", you are scared shitless right now.  
  
What's with that reaction ? That fucking desperation that twists your guts already, sure ain't helping in this fucked situation.  
Okay really, what is wrong, what did you do ? What did you miss ? Did you fuck something up ?

Karkat gives you a glare which you have never quite see on him. At least not him giving such a terrifying glare to _you_.  
  
"OK. OK. OK. I SHOULDN'T SEE YOU EVER AGAIN GAMZEE, OK ? I AM BREAKING UP OUR MOIRALLEGIENCE. I HAVE TO. YOU ARE NOT WANTED, NOW - FUCK. OFF."  
  
Your eyes go wide. You think if they go any wider, your eyes might pop out. You must have misheared.  
Messiahs, please let that be a misunderstanding.  
You try to take a step forward, reaching out a shaky hand, mumbling shuttery noises you can't quite even make out yourself.  
Then he threw something at you.  
He missed, but you heared something break behind you and you are sure he had the intention to hurt a motherfucker.  
  
"Don't make me repeat myself." he mumbles harshly.

You step backwards now, slowly, reaching for the door and flee. You just flee. And fast.  
You run down the hallway you just came from yet again, only a few fast steps, far enough from Karkats door, not enough to find your own block, and you feel like losing ground and then your legs give in and your knees hit the ground hard. It stings.  
  
Did he really just say that.. ? Did he break up with you..? But. Why. You feel like fading, like your world fell apart in only one second.  
You feel something hot burn in your eyes. You hurt all over, more than you already did just a few seconds ago. So, so much more, it's hard to handle. Air vanishes from your lungs as you feel them tighten in panic. Your eyes grow hotter and wetter and then some miracalous liquid runs down your cheeks. You are crying. You never cry.. haven't for sweeps.  
  
What the motherfuck is happening, this had to be another nightmare, it has to be, it has so be.  
Your sight blurs and then goes dark, as goes your mind.  
  
**-Failure. Unwanted.-**

You're breathing fast, too fast, so fast - precious air won't quite reach your lungs and you feel like choking. The tears keep streaming down your face, it burns, it hurts and you can't see shit. You shake heavily, wrap your arms around your chest and squeeze tight, making it even harder to breath, as your forehead slowly reaches for the dusted, cool ground, and your horns actually smash against it and you swear for a second you heared a little crack. It hurts, everything hurts. You cannot handle this. You have to be asleep, you have to have a nightmare, please be a nightmare. There's no other way.. this can't be happening. Not now.. not here in this fucked up place.

You don't have time for this, you need to get up. You need to see Tavros. Right now, this instant, this motherfuckin' INSTANT. And you can't breath, you're cold and you shake so hard your fangs start chattering to the extend of hurting and you can't see all too well and.. you're dying. You feel like dying. But... maybe...  
Tav is close to Karkat, too. He knows. He will know what happened, he will calm you down, he will help you. He will know what to do, get shit done right, because that is what he always does.  
  
Maybe you can fix whatever you fucked up..maybe, just maybe there's hope, please let there be hope. Just.. What and Why. Tav will know. You have to get the fuck up. Breath. Breath in and out, motherfuckin' try. All of this is wrong, it's just so wrong, that is not how it should be at all.

 **-Failure. Unwanted.-**  
  
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.  
You have a hard time standing straight, but you manage. You're still wobbly on your feet and your think pan is spinning and you are indeed fucking crying a river. You get a hold of yourself on the next wall and start to slowly head for Tav's block.  
  
The shitty tears still blur your sight, you feel freezing cold and you cannot really think straight, there's chaos everwhere. There's war in your mind. Black Despair versus Hope.  
Just -what did i do wrong why do i fuck up everything i touch- and -this isn't happening, everything will be okay- and -nothing will be okay you motherfucking failure of a troll, this is what you deserve- .  
You cannot just have lost Karkat. You cannot lose what you cannot replace. He is irreplaceable. You are not stable without him. Messiah's help you.

As you drag yourself through the dark, cold and dusty corridor, you pass the meal block and manage to hear at least two different, familiar voices.

"uH, i'll have a look, uh just gimme a second."

Okay, one of them is definitely your matesprit. You try to open the door, but of fucking course, it is locked. Why the fuck would a meal block be locked down !? You don't need that shit right now, you need to get the fuck in there. Get in this motherfuckin' room, feel the warmth of your beloved and hear him whisper that everything is going to be fucking right again. You need this so bad.

You knock. Weakly, quietly, just hard enough to get a notice on and lean your forehead against the cool metal of the door.

"Whoooo's there ?" a female, yet annoying voice asks from the other side of the thick door.  
It is Vriska. It is the motherfuckin shitbitch Vriska. Great. What the fuck.

"Let me the motherfuck in, i need Tav." you reply, trying not to sound all teared up.

"Jeez. Nope. Fuck off, Clownface, he's busy right now. With me."

"The fuck !? You let me in, right motherfuckin' NOW. I SAID I NEED TO MOTHERFUCKING TALK TO TAV." you are hissing, yelling. Is that bitch fucking with you !? That is a damn horrible moment to pull her shit on you.

"And i said, my dearest, living Freakshow, that you should fuck off, because we are hella busy. Is that too much for your stupid pan to comprehend !? Ughhh, SIIGH. Leave. Leave us alone, there's nothing for you here right now, nookmuncher. But since i am such a great Troll, i will gladly let him know that his dumb, useless fuck of a mateeeeesprit was here trying to jangle his nerves yet again, not willing to give him a bit of free space for even half a fucking day. If you are friendly enough to piss off and leave us to our...sexy business now, that is. You are welcome." she basically hisses at you.

What. The. Mother. Fuck.  
  
S-Sexy business !? Oh fuck gross, did they go pitch ?! They certainly didn't go flushed.. did they.. ?  
Oh. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. No. No he wouldn't. And certainly not with Vriska, she basically tormented the poor motherfucker just until three sweeps ago.  
She was up an be like pure horror to him, all the way, all the time, bullying him, abusing him even in the most terrible ways. Until she stopped, when you and a few of your friends approached her in not such a friendly manner, to end this mess, talk some sense into her. You would even even have beaten some sense into her, if talking would've been in vane. You would kill a motherfucker for Tav if you were forced to. But it worked out. Fuckin miracles.  
She could be reasoned with and finally apologized and they somehow made up, though it took some time.  
Still, how could he even forgive her all the shit she's done, getting so close, even. Too good for the world, that little motherfucker.

But.. flushed ?  
No. He can't do this to you.  
Fuck these thoughts, fuck them, fuck them all, go away - leave - go AWAY.  
Holy shit you feel very, very ill.

 **-Dumb Useless Fuck. Stupid Freak. Failure. Unwanted.-**  
  
You feel like someone is choking you as you feel your throat tighten up, holy shit. You gasp like the failure you are, too dumb to breath, your pump biscuit beating unnaturally fast and unsteady and giving you a disgusting kind of pain, tears burning so painfully, heat rising up in your whole head, you actually think you have a fever.

You are certainly _too stupid_ to handle the shit that is happening around you - not like an healthy adult should be, calm and reasoning. They are sick of you, alright, accept it and get over it - no, you're freaking out here. You're like a fuckin' wriggler.  
Everything is falling to pieces.  
Can't just somebody tell you what the fuck is happening and where you did them wrong !? You just need Tavros so much right now, you love him so, you love him so much it makes you want to vomit, you are so horns-over-heels for the little one and yet he is doing whatever with that bitch, in a motherfuckin' meal block, giving not a single fuck about you.

_NO ONE GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU._

...Hah. Why would they though. You're a motherfuckin' loser. An unwanted failure with every fiber of your existence. No one wants you, you annoying piece of shit. No one. Not a single soul. They'd rather choke on their own blood. Not even your fuckin' Lusus wanted you, wasn't that enough proof for you to get that ? ...You feel like tearing apart here.

Oh shit you need to get away. You're making weird sobbing noises, gasping, just almost yelping in pain, way too loud for your liking and you need to get away before the Spiderbitch notices anything of that.  
You do. You push yourself off the door, turn around slightly and start your slow and broken walk. You get the fuck away, step by step. You just want to be in your own block now, lying in your messy pile of cushions and fucking cry and scream and die. God you never felt like this, you actually think dying sounds pretty good to you right now. Damn, who would even think something like that, at least no one that's straight up their think pan, right.. ?  
  
Life should be of motherfuckin' value and yet.. You could just stop this shit. Stop this bullfuckery. Normal trolls would say you are overreacting, yes. But you just want to stop this mess, this pain, this darkness, these thoughts eating away at you and no one would up and care anyway. All the hurting gone in one single moment of sadness. Your sadness. Not theirs. They'd all probably party hard when you're finally gone. And you, you don't have a reason to stay with everyone leaving and betraying you... there would be no joy in life. If you have no one and nothing, you would just end up drown yourself in sopor until it fills your lungs, until you choke on it either way...  
  
You come to halt.  
You are standing in front of Equibro's block. Your motherfuckin miraculous motherfucker of a kismesis. Should you fuckin' enter... ?  
  
Haha, fuck no, you shouldn't. If he happens to see you like this, he'd much rather feel pity instead of hate for you. Also you never approached him before, he's the one to approach you.  
You can't have that change now, not in your pityful, broken up state.  
He'd just motherfuckin' tell you what a motherfuckin' DISGRACE you are, tell you to fuck off and die in a fire. The worst of all Highbloods ever allowed to live.  
A mistake of nature that doesn't deserve his own color.  
  
**-Disgrace. Dumb Useless Fuck. Stupid Freak. Failure. Unwanted.-**  
  
You are, aren't you. All of that. Fuckin' disgrace, fuckin' _failure_ to your bloodline.  
Oh Messiahs, and now you hear goddamn footsteps, as if he's feeling you are standing here, and he probably is - fuck your chuckle voodoo that is probably drawing him to the door.  
Aren't you fucking lucky today. Luckiest wicked motherfucker in the universe.  
Get the fuck away right now, keep fucking walking, get gone, don't let the brother see you like this, no one can see you like this. Not anyone, no more.  
You snap out of the idea of actually seeing him and walk away, faster now. Before the motherfucker even tries to open the goddamn door, you would be long gone.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


You see the door to your holy-yet-not-so-peaceful respiteblock very soon after and you fuckin' hurried away from your pitchmate. Motherfuckin' home. Well, not quite all home. But it is your motherfuckin' place and yours alone and you won't leave it again, that is granted. You want to be gone though, you want your hive, your home, right now. You are fuckin' homesick.

  
You feel lonely and lost and so hopeless. Everything is dark and you can't see no light no more.

You enter your private, plain gray, old and cracked walls, lock the door behind you, throw off the keys somewhere into the entry room, turn around hastily and you punch against the fucking wall.  
You cry a shitton more than you have before now, tears and fast irregular gasps oppressing air from your lungs yet again in a terrible agonizing way, your guts twisting und clenching and hurting you.  
Your whole body hurts, from horns to toes. It's a pain that you hardly wish to anyone.  
  
You are alone here, no one is near, no one will see or hear or feel you and you can let it all out. You need that shit out. Your poorly clenched fists hit the wall roughly, again and again, until your fingers crack and ache and your knuckles bleed and you paint the old and rotten walls purple. You scream in agony, so loud, so painful, and your voice is full of the purest and most honest despair. It sounds like someone was cutting you limb from limb with a double-handled saw. You never imagined you could make such horrible noises. But you also never imagined you could feel so endlessly distressed.  
Karkat left you, he is gone, he despises you, Tav is most likely cheating on you and leaving you next morning because you are useless and can't do a matespritship right and so will Equius because you are nothing but a fatal mistake of nature. This is what you deserve.  
  
You lost your moon and your stars, you lost everything that matters. Your sky is empty now.

And then your voice cracks, your outcries grow silent and you only manage to release some pityful sobs. You feel like dying and you want to die and this should be over. All of this, this day, this fucked up thing you called a life.  
You suddenly lose balance and stumble backwards and hit the little table that's placed right behind you with your back. Your feet give in by the sudden pain and you find yourself sink down to the floor.  
You manage to catch some rattling noises and then you feel another sharp pain on your left hand. It's a cut and it's deep and blood swells out of the wound thickly.

Oh. It's the funny looking sickle. Karkat's funny looking, pink and yellow and white sickle, now dirtied purple. The funny weapon with intention to hurt, to kill. Karkats...

And you feel the pain and you see your bloody knuckles and the even bloodier cut and it feels like fucking salvation.  
You get a urge for more. You want more.  
Your mind blurs, and the pain does motherfucking wicked things to it. Your pan goes all black and white and soft and raging, screaming and soothing and crying and it's war, it's salvation and it's ecstasy and it's everything and you want it. More. More. _MORE_.  
  
You take the sharp thing firmly in your hand as your feet start to carry you to your ablution block, eyes wide open and empty, still leaking silently, barely blinking just staring into nothing but thin air.  
As you walk, you can feel little cuts, here and there, on your neck, on your leg, on your arm, on your chest - which you unconsciously did to yourself. You go deeper with every cut, adjusting to the feeling of pain and freedom and draw more and more stunning purple, enough for some little and some thick drops to reach on the floor.

As you finally enter the little room, actually feels like the time to get there took you at least 15 minutes, you look around closely and this fucking place is still so foreign to you. It's old and unfamiliar and you hate it. You miss your home so much. You wish you were there.

First things first.  
You suit yourself in front of the mirror. You grab a towel that's hanging beside it and wet it with fresh, cold water.  
You slowly approach the wet fabric to your face and rub off your smeared greasepaint softly, slowly, but steadily.  
God you look like shit.  
Your fingers still hurt, some might even be broken because you can't move them and they hurt like a bitch but you won't even make a sound at it. It doesn't matter anymore.  
You clean even the tiniest bit away, until you are completely barefaced. Clean. You have to be, paint is not needed, not wanted right now.  
Not for this. You are not a Clown any longer.

" _Because you can't keep down the clown._ "

You are but a troll.

You put the sickle onto your wrist and push steadily. Your eyelids are fluttering and you stare into the dim lights on the ceiling and all that scares you is this strangeness of this place. You wish you were home. Home was where you knew all the places, all your beloved things, all your horns and plushies, your sopor-pies and your faygo, your coon, your colorful walls and...and your world still was whole.  
You had all that happiness.  
  
You are _homesick_.

But you will never reach home anymore.


	2. The Most Precious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is Multi-POV.  
> I hope it isn't much of a bother, but i really wanted to have it all in one go. :o)

Your name is Karkat Vastas and you fucked up.

Gamzee just popped into your block a little while ago and you only now just realize what shit you threw to his face.

You were shocked. You were totally concentrated on your... preparations.  
Super important preparations, that is!  
You were so into that shit, you completely forgot to lock the door. And suddenly a face pops in that is not supposed to be here.  
Not supposed to see.  
Not yet.

So you said stuff you didn't fucking mean at all because you couldn't think of anything better to get rid of him. You HAD to get rid of him. You even threw a mug after him, you missed on purpose of course, you wouldn't want to hurt him.

But you think you did, anyway.  
You spilled words that probably did more harm than a mug possibly could have.  
Shit.

Holy fuck, you are the biggest piece of shit in the universe. You just fucked up so bad.  
You fucked him up so bad, you are sure of it.  
You are pretty certain that Gamzee took your words for granted, and shit this wasn't how it was supposed to be. You weren't serious, really.

Oh god, you wouldn't ever mean it, you adore the lovable, goofy Clown way too much.  
He is so sweet and so precious and oh god, what have you done now.  
Gamzee's your moirail, your best friend and you wouldn't have it any other way.  
He is so sweet and you love pitying him. And you love being pitied by him.  
He's tall and slender and he feels way too good, when he wraps his long arms around you, keeps you close, kisses you softly and gives you the sweetest touches of them all.  
He even listens to all your ramblings for hours and is actually _never fucking ever_ annoyed by you.  
So precious, of endless value, _yours_ alone and you will keep him forever. No fucking pale-sharing, you would kill anyone who even tried stealing that piece of gold from you, dammit, he is _your precious_.  
  
God, you sound like Troll-Gollum, don't you ? Possessive little fuck.

You have to go and see him when you're done with the stuff that keeps you so busy. You have to apologize and soothe him and make it clear, hammer it into his pan if you have to, that you just spilled shit because your were.... stressed.  
  
Yeah, stressed sounds perfectly reasoning. Just blame it on Terezi. That sounds fine, you always get stressed out by Terezi's shit and he would totally buy that ! That's a masterplan, you're a smartass, you're a genius, holy shit. A born leader, really. Well not really, you are pretty shitty but, you are a pretty genius piece of shit.  
You will tell him the truth eventually. Not now, of course, that wouldn't make sense.  
Probably will find Gamzee at Tavros' place later. It's obvious the Clown would run to him after you fucked him up. It's not gonna be that weirdo, Equius. Damn, Tav will be mad at you for sure.  
You will have to apologize to him, too. Mad matesprits are a pain in the ass. Mad Tav is gonna be one hell of a pain in the ass. He doesn't get mad easily to be honest, he is all calm.  
But if one hurts Gamzee, holy fuck, pray to god he doesn't get you with his way-too-huge-for-good horns.  
That meant hurting for weeks.

You feel terrible already. No need for huge horns buried deep in your guts. You feel terrible.

You never meant to be Gamzee's pain. Oh God. Oh God. _Oh GOD_. _FUCK_.

You will go to him, any minute now, when you just could fit this fucking wrapping paper around.. asdfghjkl. _God dammit_.  
Wrapping up a juggling club is fucking hard, it looks shitty, it slips out of your fingers every now and again and you start over and it is fucking hell. You got two to wrap up !  
Holy fuck.

Yes, you were fucking busy with that shit. It's less than two weeks until that day happens.  
That day you are all being secretive assholes about.

It is Gamzee's fucking _Wrigglingday._

His precious wriggling-day, the day he was brought to this world.  
The best day that must have happened like, ever. And it definitely needs a hell of a celebration.

It will be glorious, so damn fine he will easily forgive the crap you spilled.  
  
C'mon, he almost saw his presents, you couldn't have that happening. It wouldn't be hard to figure, even for a douche like him, that two neat purple, subtle glittering clubs with white stripes and black little diamond-shaped symbols on them would be his wrigglingday gift. Your gift to him ! Even though you aren't quite sure he's aware of the fact that's that day soon.  
And no, you don't pack up just your presents, you pack up them all. Everyone got their part in the party arrangements, and one of yours was wrapping up the gifts. You wish you didn't choose that, you thought that would be easy, but it really isn't, to wrap up all kinds of shapes of gifts when you just aren't talented at that shit !  
You go madly crazy here !

You actually wonder if Tav is more lucky than you, at baking the fucking Faygo-Cake with Vriska. Not only that it's a cake that should taste like all fucking kinds of Faygo, no, it was supposed to look like a Faygo bottle as well ! And that is most likely to be the hardest part for these two bulgesuckers.  
  
And Gamz, yeah, he will freak out at that. If they manage. You hope they do, the last test-cakes failed spectaculary, you were told. These stupid fucks.  
You actually wonder what happens with the test cakes. Do they eat them everytime !? They should grow some belly soon then, haha, that would be fucking hilarious.

But hey, they don't give up, that's the most important thing here. They even get better every time, it'll work out, they have almost two more weeks to accomplish that very difficult task. You wouldn't wanna switch tasks with any of them.  
If you're badly talented at wrapping up gifts, you're even less talented at freakin' baking.  
Gamzee is a fucking god at baking, he would've done it easily, you think.  
Well, to be fair, he's gotta be after all that sopor pies. And god, every god damn pie in the world this dipshit could actually make. He's a genius at that shit, but you would never tell him that.

There was that one time. You were hella upset because ... well you can't remember. You get upset easily, to be fair.  
And you haven't eaten at all that day because you were so, _so much_ out of yourself.  
But Gamzee took care of you. He was sweeter than Faygo.  
He shooshed you and papped you and you purred under every touch. Mumbling the sweetest things to you as he nuzzled your hair and pressed soft kisses on your neck and caressed your whole body with his long slender fingers.

And then, just like that, after you fell asleep purring like an idiot.  
Gamzee went and made you cupcakes. And they were simply gorgeous. They were all freaky red, just like your blood but tasted like strawberries and had little diamonds on the rose-colored topping.  
Oh god, he is so _precious_.  
So you fight with all your might, with fucking wrapping paper, not a troll or anything that would mean danger.  
God you huge failure.  
But you can do it. You can, you are a fucking masterpiece. And if you have to look up tutorials at the fucking internet, which you totally didn't to before, you will manage here.

Ha. Fuck this, you can, you're fucking amazing.  
You can do this, just cut a new, neatly sized piece of that paper and try again. Again and again even if it meant death to your nerves.

Where the fuck is your favourite sickle !? Oh. My. _God_.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


Your name is Tavros Nitram and you just went back to the oven to check on the cake.

You are baking it for Gamzee, with Vriska. God yeah, with Vriska of all trolls.  
She claimed to be good at baking, but if you are being honest to yourself, she really isn't. You havent managed to come up with a cake that nearly looks as good as it is supposed to be.  
A Fayo bottle is what the final result should be ! That's the plan !

Okay, uh, it tasted great so far, you have tried every one you made before, the amount of Faygo and actual dough was perfect so far, the colors bright and astonishing but the looks... God no.  
C'mon, it can't be that hard to form out a fucking bottle. It's really not that much of a difficult shape.

Well, uh, either way, Vriska annoyed the shit outta you, afraid that you left the timer on for too long, afraid the cake might burn.

"If you don't check it out, it might be burned black when we're done, doofus." she exhaled.

"uH, i'll have a look, uh just gimme a second."

So you made your way deeper into the meal block, to the wicked big oven and check on your fabulous bottle-cake. It actually looks really awesome this time, the right color, the right shape that won't just fall apart. If it's finished, there's only the part of decorating left. You didn't get this far yet though. But you hope it won't be that bad as baking the actual thing.  
It would be easier if you just built it out from different-cut cake shapes, but Vriska really isn't that patient, so you have to make the thing whole in one go. Urgh.

But you should have _known_.  
She was violent and impatient and in ways you didn't really wanna know.

You got to know though. She bullied you a few sweeps ago, harmed you, would've even pushed you off a cliff to kill you but there was Gamzee to save your ass and she didn't, but bullied you still and made you almost fall to depression.  
You weren't very self confident ever, but she really made it worse.  
Got so far, you thought you were the most useless piece of shit on Alternia.  
The biggest piece of shit that's ever lived, matching your color of blood.

But there was your matesprit.  
Gamzee, your beautiful, sensitve, emotional, your careful and hot as fire and yet cold as ice, beloved. Strong, muscled but slender and so sexy.  
Yes, fucking sexy he is.  
And he was all up to save your ass.

And he made you all better. Him loving you, and you loving him made you so perfect and whole. Made parts of you you wouldn't ever want to miss.

He made a big plan up that time, talking some sense into Vriska, gathering all of your friends in that matter, to stop the torturing she did to you.  
Gamzee cares too much, oh and you love him for that, for every fiber of his being and you would kiss every inch of his body, if he'd let you.  
He's still being pretty shy, even though you've been mates for always three sweeps now.  
He thinks he isn't worth your touch. But he's perfect and way higher than you are and you actually think you're the one that doesn't deserve him.

You actually fear that he doesn't trust you. Not enough, that is. You know he trusts you but he probably trusts others more. Trusts Karkat more.

You are feeling a special kind of jealousy at times, you know he isn't being that shy at all with Karkat, or even Equius.  
They may touch him in all kinds, and you're pretty sure he even has proper pailing sessions with Equius. Urgh. Fuck this, you want that, too.

But you know he loves you, more than _anything_.  
He always has, and so much, there's no words in the world that are worthy a description of his feelings for you.  
And you know and you want to do him good, gain all of his trust.  
You know you shared the same feelings, even though you only got aware of them way too late. He loved you for sweeps and you blissfully lived in denial.  
But then, there was the day where denial wouldn't do you any good anymore.

Where you felt jealousy crawl up even the deepest parts of your guts.  
Everytime he touched somebody, being gentle and friendly with Trolls that didn't deserve, that treated him like shit, but the poor soul, too good to comprehend.  
But maybe he even did and just didn't even give a fuck, because that's how he is, good.  
You weren't really sure. But it made you go crazy with jealousy.

He loved you, you _knew_ , cought all the signs, and the sweet offers of affection, but you pushed him away every time he made an attempt at you, just being bros and all, until the day came you thought he had given up.  
Given up on you.  
But you couldn't give up on him, you loved him and by that you knew for certain and oh my god. You pushed him away, again and again, and there is absolutely no reason for him to trust you with that all of a sudden.  
You know, but it has been three sweeps and you just hope you will finally manage to gain his heart all whole with this day you put so much effort in.

Then you made the most shy and tiny attempts that time, to get his attention back from the others, back right at you and it worked.  
It didn't took much effort, actually.  
He still loved you, even though he wanted to give that up, he even told you so after you became his mate.  
He told you, that you were just a dream to him, impossible to ever archive. And you hurt, because you were blind and dumb and in denial. And god.  
You almost missed this, almost missed him, the most perfect thing that has ever happend to you, you almost didn't have him by your side and the thought alone hurts like a bitch.  
Thank god you've come to your senses. A _miracle_ , your sweetest would call.

You suddenly hear Vriska, talking to someone in harsh ways, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You can't really make out the words, but the tone, you know all too well, does sound cruel to you. But you don't mind any further.  
Vriska being cruel, Vriska doing harm with words, well that's not big news to you, or anybody really.

You focus on the cake, that is what is important here. And you try to waste as much time as possible, with the cake, with yourself.  
Don't enjoy her company.  
You'd much rather be with Gamzee right now.You crave his touch, and you crave to touch him.  
You do this for him here, of course, there's no other reason to spend any second of the time you could spend with him with her instead.

But here you are and you will finish this up and it'll be great. The fucking cake, not the experience.

It's Gamz's wriggling-day coming up and your present is the worst while Karkat's is the _best_.  
He's got clubs for him. The best even, being all purple, and shining and everything about them screams pale.

You would've taken that gift if Karkles didn't come up first.  
But well, he did, and so you got nothing really special for him.  
You got up all the tutorials you could find online to stitch and weave him some pushies.  
He loves fucking plushies, so you made two, doubles to yourself and him, holding hands, hearts on your shirts instead of signs.  
You made those all by your own, with a lot of sweat and desperationd and tears, and yet you are still unsure if he'll like them.

After some minutes more, you make your way back to Vriska. She sure is impatient. Even called for you one or two times. Who cares. God she has legs, if it was this urgent she could make her own way to you. It's not like that few inches hurt. So full of herself.

"uH. The cake looks good so far ! It's in shape and looks stable. I think we finally got it. When it cooled down, it might be our first attempt on decorating it ! We might be successfull here for once. " you give her a smile. You are happy. It really looks like you finally got this shit dealt with.

"That's.. nice. I knew we could do it !" she replies flatly, a weird look of concern on her face.  
Her eyes trying to avoid yours.

"By the way, who were you talking to just recently ? I heared you."

"I..uh. It was Gamzee. He wanted to see you, almost teared down the fucking door and we couldn't have that happen, right ? I told him to piss off, sorry. But here i am, keeping my promise to that freak, being all nice and reasonable, telling you that your matesprit wants to see you." and she sighs at that. "Needs to see you."

"What did he want ?" you asked, worried now. It's not like him to approach in such a hurry.

"I don't know ? I didn't ask, and i highly doubt he would've told me. But he sounded... upset."

Okay. That sounds urgent.

"Okay. Can you take care of the rest for now ?? Sorry but, uh, i'd rather see if he is okay for now ?"

"Yeah, sure. Mates are important, make your way little pupa."

Urgh. She sure isn't much of a likeable companion, but you are glad she told you what was up.  
You fumble some keys out of your pockets and unlock the door.

You have to see him, especially if Vriska said he sounded upset. That must be serious, and you hope he is ok.

You just start to make your way to Gamzee's block when a familar face approaches you.  
It is Terezi. She's all dressed in her battle-outfit. All green and red and you find it pretty cute, you even chuckle to yourself, but her face is all serious and weird, not like her at all.

"Tavros ! God there you are. This about Gamzee.... it's horrible and i'm sorry but.....please..." and she mumbles and spatters words in a hurry and you, and you...

You are horrified and your face goes blank and think your pusher stops beating.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Your name is Equius Zahhak and you think you're going _mad_.

You take slow steps to the door of your block because you swear you feel Makara standing there.  
You must be hallucinating though, there's no way your beloved Highblood would approach you. Never does. Shouldn't. He's way too high for that, never acts like it much, but he should, and you hate him for acting so casually. Like he was a nobody. Like he was nothing more than the shitblood he calls a matesprit.  
Oh my, you hate him for that.

Either way, you are the one to approach him, this is your place to be and you don't mind.  
You're _happy_ like this.

But as you feel his presence, you can't help but start to sweat, badly. Shit, you need a towel.

You keep standing there for a bit. But you hear no sound, there's no approach and you must be really imagining things. There's no way he's there. You aren't horny for no reason are you ?  
Nah, it's not Heat-Season.

You turn around and find a cupboard full of fresh, fragranted towels. You love towels, you need them, they're your life-saver. You got this weird sweating habit, which especially occurs when you have business with a highblood. And very especially when you're about to see your kismesis. The greaetest highblood you could wish for. Oh my, don't think about the things you are allowed to do to him, or the things he does to you every now and again, that'll get you on edge. And make the sweating worse. It's not so much appreciated right now.

You rub the towel softly over your face, your muscular arms and try to get rid of the sweat, sticking onto your whole body. After you finished up a good minutes later - " _good enough, will do for now_ " - when you glare at the door, you still feel that presence lingering there, only slowly fading, and holy shit you can barely stand it. You grow mad.

You step infront of your door. Anew.  
That hand of yours hesitantely reaches for the doorknob. You grasp around it firmly and try to ignore that you started trembling.  
You slowly open the door, and you look into two beautiful eyes you just know all to well.

"Equiuuuusssss !"

"Nepeta." you reply, trying to be all serious and cool. "I.. have you seen the Highblood ? I thought i might have.." Oh. There cool went down the load gaper.

"Gamzee ? No i haven't seen him ! Oh wait mew have a date ? Mew want meowt ?"

"Oh. No. I just thought i...I just thought he was here some minutes ago."

"Well. I haven't seen him ! I purromise ! Hey, wanna roleplaaaay ?"

You give her a look at that. Well, she can't see, you got your sunglasses on. But you give her that look anyway. "Shouldn't you meet up with Pyrope ? I thought tonight was the night you two wanted to discuss your part of the...preparations for the Highbloods wriggling-day, as demanded by the Mutant."

"Awww yes but she nefur showed up ! I had so many great ideas ! Like clawsplay ! "

"Should we look for her ? I wouldn't mind to put Pyrope in her place. She shouldn't let you wait, Nepeta."

She licks her ... paws hastily. "Alrighty i apurrove, let us have a look around then ! Her block is somewhat down there !" she points her finger way down the hallway were the Highbloods presence still lingers, hardly perceivable anymore.

Oh ok, you can do that. Pyrope is way beneath you. What is she even thinking, ditching your moirail like that and let her wait. That behaviour is _unacceptable_.  
You close the door to your block behind your back and start walking down those ashen walls, with the little kitten right beside you, following you almost as you take the lead.  
You kinda like them walls though. They are plain and simple. You like plain and simple things. Not in every aspect of your life that is, but most times. When it comes to furnishings, at least.

It doesn't take too long to find Pyrope.  
Sure, this weird castle is huge. But it doesn't take you half an hour to walk past the straight passage.  
There she is. Hammering against a door, yalling words you can't quite make out from where you are, a door to a block that was starting to become slightly familar to you.

It's the Highblood's block.

What the fuck. You think that peasantblood took a step too far right now.  
What is she thinking, bothering your beloved enemy like that !? Does that woman not know her place !? Not even you would dare to make such a fuss at his doorway.

"PYROPE." you shout at her, getting well enraged, as you and Nepeta come closer with every step. "What in the world do you think you are doing !? Step back right now ! Don't make such a ruckus infront of the Highbloods door ! I demand you to stop immediately !"  
You haven't noticed you picked up the pace of up your prior steady steps and approached her very fast in that matter, and even try to reach out for her hammering fist.

"Oh my God, Equius, this is serious ok ?! Can't you fucking smell that !?" she shoves you away.  
What disrespectful behaviour to someone above her. What a fucking peasant.  
"Purrple." Nepeta replies, flatly.  
Okay. You look very confused right this second. It smells purple ? What is that supposed to mean ?

"Yes, Nepeta. It fucking smells purple. Bloody. The fucking air is stenched with blood, Gamzee doesn't open the goddamn door and he is not answering ! Can't you tell something is hella wrong here, you weird Idiot ?!" the peasant dares to yell at you.

No. You really can't tell. Your nose isn't nearly as good as those of Nepeta and the blind One.  
And Nepeta wouldn't lie to you. What is this about ?!

"Would you, oh super strong Equius now do me the favor and break down that fucking door ? Thank you !"

"That would be inacceptable. It's not my place to break down the doors of a Highblood just like that. That's not an act i derserve."

"What ?? Are you not worried !?"

"Why would i be. He is my enemy."

"Oh, is he ? Because i got a message informing me that you two were pitch. And you probably are the first Troll ever to not care if one of their quadrants was in serious trouble. What an ass. You are right, you truly don't deserve Gamzee."

You slightly cough at that, choking at your own spit at the shock of that statement.  
How come she knows !? The mutant told her, you bet.  
Either way, she is right. You don't deserve the Highblood, you know as much.  
But it ain't true that you aren't worried. You are, if it is true what they are saying. Air stenched with the smell of purple blood really doesn't sound all too good.  
Was he attacked ? The doors are locked from the inside, you can tell. That would mean the aggressor is still inside.  
You push Terezi out of your way and break the lock of the door with only one strong kick.  
Oh my God. You are so strong. May the Highblood forgive you that rushed act of destruction.

As you enter, there is silence and the beautiful color of purple invades your sight immediately. It is everywhere. And now, you can smell it too.  
His blood. It smells awful and wonderful.  
Little drops, thicker drops, on the floor and smeared on the wall. Some of his belongings smashed onto the floor. What a mess.  
Your pusher beats faster in your chest, you are worried now.

Nepeta and Terezi are right behind you, starring at the mess with horror.  
You can't see no intruder or anything suspicious at all. It is quiet and you can hear absolutely nothing but silence.  
You just keep carefully following that trail of blood and destruction that seems to lead into the ablution block.

You enter that specific room carefully. And you manage to catch purple. A lot of purple.  
And a body that isn't moving.  
And it's him.

It's the Highblood, your beloved and you move fast, so your body reaches his, not wasting another second at only the view of his.  
You wrap his weak, almost dead body into your arms softly and reach for his throat, reach for his pulse. And you feel a beat. Weak, but it's there. And then your eyes catch a sickle. Right beside him and you know it belongs to the mutant and you feel rage crawl up your spine.  
You are desperate.  
Here lies your beloved hatered, in your arms, about to bleed out that precious color and you are devestated. "Don't do this to me, don't do this to me" you whisper without actual words to yourself.

By instinct, you rip out parts of your shirt, try to wrap it around the cuts, especially those on his wrists, deep, showing off blood and flesh that no one should ever see. Not on him.  
With a steady pressure you wrap his wounds, so the bleeding may slow down, stop even. You hope so.  
He is bleeding out and you know, there is a lot - soaking the floor wet in big enough puddles and it's fucking dangerous, his life on the line with every drop and you know. And he can't die, you hate him and you love him and he can't fucking leave you.  
You breathe hard and unsteady and you're about to fucking panic.  
You shake his body, very soft, you don't want to hurt any further, trying to wake him, whispering all these words "Dont leave, don't to this to me, don't do this to us..." over an over again,

But to no avail, he wouldn't wake, his sweet purple and yellow eyes, that were yet so perfect, not opening at you and your pitiful words.  
You are scared, you are so scared shitless and you keep trying to pressure up the most badly bleeding wounds, the girls behind you mumbling trembling words in terror, in fear.

Your eyes catch the colorful sickle yet again and rage crawl up every vain in you, you feel your blood boiling, your pusher racing and your thoughts start a war.  
The mutant.. he is the Highbloods moiral.  
He wouldn't do such thing would he !? Nepeta sure wouldn't.  
But that weapon his his, and you ... you don't know. You know the ugly mutant loved the highblood so much, prepared this Wriggling-Day of his in this mansion, would never cause him demage. You want to believe.  
Also these doors were locked. From the inside. There is no way out, there are no windows and you know for certain the Freakblood isn't skilled so high.

Which only leaves this one option.

The Highblood did this to himself, with the intention to die.  
And you would fulfill every order, you would act on every wish of his, but not that.  
You can't. That's the only thing you would disobey, as creazy as it sounds.  
And for every selfish reason.  
He is YOUR beloved enemy. You hate him and you love him and you cannot lose him  
This is unacceptable.  
And you try and do pressure and take care and you would do anything to keep him alive.

Why wouldn't his fuckin palemate notice ?! You are sure that Nepeta would notice when you're feeling this bad. Not that you ever had the wish to actually die. No one would.  
Life is valuable.

You would die for him. No questioning there. You fucking would.  
But not like this, you wouldn't take your own and no one would really.  
And he has to have feel a lot of shit to go this far, you are sure of it. Which leaves you only this one conclusion. The mutant is a failure of a moiral. He is the one that should have noticed.  
Oh my, what was it that pushed your precious so far off the edge ?  
Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit.

"Pyrope." you whisper gently, not try to sound harsh cause you need her now. "Get Medigo. We need her skills, she's the closest we got to a doctorturer. We can't get him to one, there is no time."

And she nods at you.  
You know Medigo is out with Captor, in want to get fireworks, all purple and sparkly, painting the dark sky in glittery purple stars on his wriggling-day. But Terezi is most likely to troll her over her husktop, she always carries around, long enough to get her back here fast.

God. Oh my God. He shakes a little under your touch.  
His breathing slowed down, only almost there.

"I need the shitblood here." you say plainly to Nepeta. And she nods, terrified, as she watches you fight for the Highbloods life.  
Highblood. Huh. He never liked you calling him that. Hated it, even though it was nothing but the truth. Well yeah, Trolls can't handle the truth. No one handles the truth well.

You push him closer, try to warm his weak body and wonder if it'll work since you are pretty cold-blooded yourself. Not as much as he is but still.  
You put your fingers under his chin carefully and turn his face towards you own.  
And only now you notice that he is bare faced. No paint. And you never saw his actual face.  
And your breath stands still for only a second because, as does your pusher because god, he is fucking beautiful.

"High... Makar... _Gamzee_. Stay with me. Please.." you whisper to his ear, suck softly at his earlobe and nuzzle your nose in his well smelling and fluffy, curled hair.

You want to punch your own face just about now.  
You called him out, by his name.  
Not by a title, and that is not your place to be and.... god damn he is so _beautiful_ , you can't handle it. God. Fucking horse. Help.

But you know in which situation you are right now before you turn to Nepeta once again, before she's made her way to get the Highblood's matesprit.  
  
An angry view aimed at the sickle, lying on the floor right beside you, and him and all that lovely colored blood, which you love so much and could suck in every drop without hesitation.  
Only, if he was fine.  
And you look at that sickle, covered in purple and you just... you..  
  
"...and get me the mutant."


	3. Like Diamonds In The Sky

Your name is Gamzee Makara and ....  
  


" _Gamzee._ "  


You shake violently, open your eyes and... you are alone.  
And it is awfully dark around you.  
You look around, alarmed, but there's nothing for you to see but sheer, endless void.  
It's you, alone, surrounded by pure and pitch black vacuum.  
There's no colors, there's no piles, there's no walls, there's no sky, there's no stars.  
You feel like floating and there is no ground under your feet.  
You aren't even breathing, there is no air but you are not suffocating either.  
It's neither cold, nor warm. There's no wet, there's no breeze, there's no sun, there's no heat.  
There is you.  
And massive, infinite nothingness. Panic twists in your guts.  


" _Gamzee_."  


There. Again.  
It's only a sweet little breath. Your name, whispered so sweet like cotton candy, calm like a ghost, soft like lips of a lover.  
It's far, far away from you, but it still echoes through the dark from any and every direction and right into your ears.  
The voice sounds familar, but it's far and despite being all soft, it sounds broken, almost sad.  
You really can't make out whose it is, where it comes from.

" _Come back, Gamzee._ "

Come back ?  
Who should you come back to ?  
Where should you go back to ?  
Where are you ?

You try to move forward. But it's hard. How do you move ?  
And all you see is blackness and it takes you over, you and your mind, and you are scared as fuck, and you want to move ahead now but can't really make out where forward is.  
Is forward where you're facing ? Is it elsewhere ? Where is your path ?  
Where are you even !? Whose voice is that !? What happened ?!  


" _Gamzee. You belong to us. We need you here. Come home_."  


You tremble and your head hurts sharply all of a sudden, like a knife stabbed right into your think pan and you are being overwhelmed by memories, which come to you like waves.  
By madness. Madness lives inside your head.  
There's screams and tears. And another wave of fear, desperation and broken bones. A shattered mirror and broken shards, tearing against soft skin.  
And then.. there are faces you don't want to see, faces that hurt you, faces that tore at your heart, string by string, vein by vein because these faces you know lost. You lost them so very unexpectedly.  
Or perhaps...not. Perhaps you have lost pieces of them, day by day and night by night, and weren't able of understanding. But you know them lost and you know it hurts.  
And a last wave, full of terror, a sinking heart, the death of hope, pure distress, and then there's a sickle, purple blood and agony, so much you are drowning and....

You are.. dead, aren't you ?  
You are gone.  
And this is.  
What is this place !? Is that the dark carnival ? ..No, some kind of...world in between ?  
Who's that voice calling out for you.. ?  
Is it.. the Messiahs ? Do they want you to come to them ?  
To your final end, or new beginnings, maybe.  


" _Gamzee. Gamzee. Gamzee. Gamzee._ "  
  
  
Again, again, again and again.  
Louder, each time. Closer. Demanding. Desperate.

You shut your eyes close, your head spins and hurts and you can't figure how to move or where to move. You want to call out, for help and for advice, for directions or just anything.  
You scream, but your voice won't come through, not even the tiniest whimper, but you are whimpering, sobbing in confusion and horror.  
You are voiceless. No sound escapes your throat.

You whine and yelp silently until you notice something shining behind your eyelids. A bit of brightness, letting you catch the color of purple behind your shut eyes, in your head.  
It gives a chill on and carefully you dare to open your lookstubs yet again.  
There is a light. There is indeed a light. And it shines brightly in white from high above you.  
That's the place. That's where you have to get.  


" _Don't let go now._ "  


You stare and stare and you can't get your eyes away, all you can focus on is that shining infront.  
And without actually moving a muscle, you start floating towards this dazzling ray of light.

That's the end of your road, you're sure. That's that light of eternal peace and salvation.  
They always said you will see a light, it's common sense, it's history and everyone with dying experience said the same things.  
Stay away from it. Or you're gone for good.  
But there's no turning back. You wouldn't even know how, and you don't want to.  
You embrace it, welcome it. You won't let go now.

And you reach closer and closer by each second, so close you can almost touch it.  
You spread and hold out your arms for it, want to touch it, embrace that warmth, attain the final exit.  
To redemption.  
To freedom.

And your fingertips are able to make contact, and it's so warm and all fuzzy and your body reaches it fully and completely and you enter and you vanish from the eternal darkness.  
  
  


 

* * *

 

 

  
"M-Motherfuck..." you murmur, all broken up and confused.  
There's pain. There's a fucking lot of pain. Holy shit.

"COME BACK, HE'S AWAKE!!" someone, a female, calls out. Loudly. Too loud for your liking, so loud you actually twitch under the sound.

What the...  
You try to open your eyes but it's bright. Burning bright and it hurts your eyes and your head so you shut them close tight right the same motherfuckin' second again.  
Your fingers, no your whole hands hurt, you can't move them.  
Those arms of yours also burn like bitchtits on fire, but so does your torso and parts of your legs, mostly it stings on your chest and even your grubscars ache. Your head still spins, you're dizzy as fuck.  
Your head makes you feel like your whole body is wobbling up and down, like you're trapped in a wave, crashing on an empty beaches.  
And your horns. Holy shit, your horns pain so hard, like they are cracked.  
You feel like shit. Motherfuckin' barkbeast shit.

This is not what death should feel like. You shouldn't feel, like at all.  
Oh Messiahs, fucking hell _no_.  


A small hand, with skin so soft and smelling like flowers, touches your forehead, all tentative and carefully, like you're made of porcelain and about to break to a million pieces.

"You still have a fever, Gamzee. Can you open your eyes for me ?" she says, all calm and quiet now.

"..too..bright.." you manage to tell her, voice all dry and cracking. Your throat hurts, you can barely talk, you need ... " _water..please.._ "

"I got you !"

She moves away from you and you can hear her making soft rattling noises, you hear the tiny clattering sounds of glass and then a little swoosh of water and.. you hear heavier steps, more feet and voices, running, somewhere outside, far at first, closer with each step.

She is back, her little hand slowly lifting your head just a little bit and then you feel something plain and cold on yur lips.

"Drink up, but go slow, don't swallow up now, be careful."

You part your lips and let the cool water run down your throat and it really feels refreshing and so, SO good. Like you haven't had a drink in forever. Like rain after walking through a desert for weeks. As she helps you drink, she hums a little, familar melody.  
And then it hits you. It hits you hard, right in the guts.  
You motherfuckin' know that melody that was hummed at you every now and again, and you know the voice humming it.

It is _Aradia_.  
It is the sweet, little, precious Aradia taking care of you, and you, you are certainly not dead.  
Holy shit.

The door busts open aloud.  
You twitch, alarmed for a second, breathing faster, but sweet tiny hand grab you shoulders, grip steady but not hard, and keep you still.

"Quiet please! Don't be all too noisy now, he needs rest and peace !" she exhales, sounding a little annoyed already. "..and Sollux, do me a favor and dim the lights. They hurt him."  
  
S-Sollux ?! Messiahs. Who is there, they are many you can tell this much.  
There's wild, hushed murmurs, you can't really make out what they're saying, and hasty rattling.  
You notice the lights go darker, dimmed. Sollux obviously followed Aradia's orders and you dare to try to open your eyes again. All slow now, your eyelids are kind of sticky and heavy.  
But you open them, little by little, and your vision is blurry as fuck.  
Yet you see so many faces, all staring at you like they've never seen a troll before.  
This makes you motherfucking uncomfortable. You try to shift around, away, you really don't want them to stare like that, but every movement hurts.

Aradia seems to notice.  
  
She immidiately intervenes, pushes herself through all that trolls, placing that small body of hers infront of the bed you're in protectively.

"Perhaps it's better if you leave. I am sorry but he is still confused and feverish." she orders the others.

"You heared her. Get out, guyth." Sollux supports Aradia without hesitation, standing right beside her and then spreading his arms and shoving the group towards the door, making sure each and everyone of them leaves for now, despite given some grumbling.  
  
And as the room grows emptier yet again, even Sollux exits gives Aradia a little nod as he does and leaves you and the little troll alone.  
  
You should say something. You don't feel like it, but you should definitely say something.

"I..I'm... _thank you_." you mumble "..but ..just...may i ask.. w-what the motherfuck happened ?"

"That's what i'd like to know, Gamzee. What happened ? Why did you do this ? I mean you did this to yourself, didn't you ? ...You. You had us worried there, it was really close, i'm glad you didn't let go. If Equius had found you only moments later then maybe... you were really close to be a goner." she puffs. She sounds concerned and upset, but she keeps her voice down.

You open your mouth and close it again. You motherfuckin' remember it all too well, yes, but you don't really know what to tell her.  
You feel like you'd sound all shabby and pitiful.

"...Either way. I have some good and some bad news for you. The bad news is - given the fact that you lost almost 60 percent of your blood and wounded yourself deep and terribly - you will feel pretty lousy the next days..." she pauses and frowns. "But..." and then a little smile forms on her lips ".. the good news is, you will be fine. Thanks to my fabulous skills. I helped best i could, even cleaned all your wounds, there shouldn't even be the slightest risk of infection. Your horns are a little cracked still, but they should be fixed as well." she smiles wider now. All the happy spreading on her face.  
  
Motherfucker, she is definitely proud of herself. And yeah. Okay.  
The way you're feeling, she probably should be.  
Lousy you'd feel, she said. That's an understatement.  
You know you flipped shits, you know all the ways you hurt and you were pretty certain no one could survive that.  
It's almost a...

" _Miracle_." she whispers gently. "That's what you are, Gamzee. A living miracle."

She gives you sweetest grin you have ever seen on her and you.. you smile at her in return.  
Hah. That was indeed miraculous. Her calling you an actual miracle..  
Like she read your mind.  
But you knew each other forever, and she is Tavros moirail.

Oh. Tavros. Your smile drops as fast as it came.

"Why so sad ? Please Gamz. What is it, that's going on in that little pan of yours ? Talk to me, i hope you know you can trust me."

Messiahs damn her.  
Why does she notice absolutely everything. You can't possibly look that sad all of a sudden.  
Can't she just like.. overlook that, for just a second.

You hesitate. You definitely hesitate. There's a moment of awkward silence, she just staring at you, caressing the bandages on your wirsts.

"I.. Aradia. Tav and Vriska.. what's going on there ?"

And give you a look of disbelief. And then she snorts.  
She actually motherfucking snorts at you.

"No sis, _don't laugh_ , holy motherfuck they were fucking... he cheated and.."

She stops laughing at that. She furrows and gives you a glance all serious, almost enraged.  
"Gamzee, what are you saying ? No he didn't ! He wouldn't ! What even makes you think that !? Tav loves you. God do you even know what you did to him ?! He barely got any sleep the last week, he cried day by day and..."

"Wait.. i was all up and out for a motherfuckin' week, what ? And...but Vriska said that she and him had sexy.."

"Yeah i know what she said. I know what _everyone_ said. They all told me what happened before the...incident. And i want you to shut up and listen to me now..." she breathed in deep "..you're a moron. You are such a sweet and pityful moron. I only really get it now. You actually thought Tav was cheating on you ? Is that why you did that !? I can assure you, he doesn't. He and Vriska are... they are working on a project ok ?? I can't tell you more right now, but please trust me, he is red for you and only for you. He was here, every night, almost every day, out of sleep, sitting here on the bed, right beside you, wanting you to come back. He talked to you, called out your name, guiding you, to wake you up. Kept saying he loves you so and couldn't lose you. Losing you would feel like all good-byes he ever had to say in his life. All at once."  
Come back, Gamzee, Gamzee, Gamzee, Gamzee, echoes in your head. That was.. Tav ?

But how the fuck even. That felt like minutes only. But all of that silence, the blackness you experienced before, the voices of the Messiah's, the moments of desperation und suffocation, the fear and the panic until you saw that liberating light, all of that... that was... a full week ?  
And you.. you made Tav suffer. You are the worst piece of shit.  
You're such a...

"Stop." she demands. "I know what you're thinking and i want you to stop. It's not your fault ok. Please know it's not. You were upset and from what i've heared you had every right to be ok. I can't possibly understand how you felt, but it must have been terrible if you .. didn't see any other way. You obviously were at your lowest for a while right then, and it is a shame your moirail didn't notice. It had to be horrible if it made you do what you did. It's not your fault Gamzee. You are the victim in this. Don't blame yourself."

You blink and your trail of thoughts stop right there. Her words kind off calm you, even though you're not sure if that's what they should be up and doing to you. Got no clue if you deserve to feel better about yourself. You probably shouldn't but... you try to stop for now, that shit aint healthy, you know.

"I.." you stutter "..you said.. Equibro found me.. ?"

"Yes. Terezi smelled blood in your room, Equius and Nepeta were passing by, and then he violently broke the lock and found you. And just in time. He really was scared about his bittersweet beloved blackrom."'

You give her that stare of disbelief and shock and... Urgh.  
You fucking blush. Motherfucking seriously ?! Equius of all trolls.  
You really wouldn't have expected him to safe your ass. God, his help wasn't really wanted, after all.. You really wanted to go at the time. You're not so sure about that anymore, now that you've heared Aradia out.  
Your sweet Kismesis, huh. Maybe you should motherfuckin' punish him some time for that, it's not like you actually allowed him to act on his own behalf in such matter. That motherfucker. What a tool.  
What you would motherfuckin' do to this blue motherfucker. All that things, sweet and lovely and pitch black.  
To slap him means to touch him.  
To claw him means to pet him.  
To bite him means to kiss him.  
To loathe him means to love him.

Oops. You are spacing out here.  
You shake your head and the dirty thoughts away. That's is not the time.  
Not with motherfuckin' Aradia here. Fuck. Fucking fuck.

So your quadrants are still intact.  
Wait.  
No, they are not. There's still..

Aradia examines every twich of your face with caution.

"Talk to me." she exclaimes "you're thinking too much. Just talk to me, Gamzee."

"Kar...Vantas."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"I think you should talk to him." she nods in confidence.

Talk to him ? Motherfucking seriously? There's nothing left to talk.  
He made things clear. Motherfucking clear.

She blinks at you and furiously shakes her head.

"No. It's not what you think."

"Would you motherfucking be all up and kind enough to stop that ?!"

"Sorry, stop what exactly ?"

"Reading my thoughts."

She smiles at you, all innocent. "I cannot read thoughts. And i'll get Karkat now. That's the perfect idea." she jumps on her feet and heads to the door with fast and steady steps.

"What NO wait sis !"

And she is gone. Motherfuck.  
You really don't want to see Karkat. That conversation isn't going to be pleasant at all.  
You would defnitely run away if you could motherfucking move. You can't and now, yeah, you are doomed. You much rather want Tav right now.  
What a nice wakeup. Thanks.

You let your head fall to the big and soft pillow behind you.  
Your head feels all big, your horns ache and your eyes are heavy with sleep.  
And you close your eyes, welcome the dark you feared earlier, calming you and sending you to a place of peace, and you drift away.  
  
  


* * *

  


You wake up, slow and heavy, eyes still closed and you have no intention of opening them.  
There's quiet and peace and you feel rested, like you haven't in forever and you could doze off right there, right again.  
You have slept well, and you notice that you haven't had a daymare, or nightmare - you don't even got no clue what time of the day it actually is - in forever and it felt good.

You feel a weird weight on your belly though, and you feel a strange kind of wetness on the blanket. What the motherfuck...

You open your eyes at that.  
There's moist, washed out red on your blanket.  
And there he is.  
Karkat.  
Sleeping, uneasily, head placed softly on your stomach, and tears silently streaming down his beautiful face.  
Your heart stops it's beating for just a moment and then just blooms.

Your hands still hurt like hell, your fingers and knuckles are partly broken, but that won't stop you.  
It's not like your feelings changed. You can't watch him, being all miserable like he is, and not do anything. You can't just let him all up and be like that.  
You caress his cheeks with your fingertips, only barely a proper touch. Tracing his skin as smooth as a soft summer breeze.  
You wipe away those sweet and precious tears, then trace over his lips, over the other cheek, move to his neck, all lovingly, and reach with your digits carefully for his head. His hair is still as soft as you remember it to be.  
You grab the base of his little, nubby horns and squeeze smoothly, not wanting to hurt.  
Not him. And not yourself, if possible.  
Messiah's help you, you're so pale for the little motherfucker, still. So pale, it brings all of you to life in a flash of brilliance.  
And you highly doubt that will ever change.  
To you, diamonds are forever.

He winces under you, and flutters his eyes open, all slow. He looks kind of baffled.  
Ow, you motherfucking went all up and waked the little motherfucker.  
He blinks at you all soft, again and again, moving forward to you, carefully, still kind of sleepy, but trying not to scare you or your soft touches away.

He looks you right in the eyes and your, still heavy and sleepy, eyes stare at his and it's motherfucking deep.  
New tears fill the corner of his already wet and worn out peepers and he rushes forward now and motherfucking hugs you. His arms are curled all around your thin body and squeeze so tight, it hurts and it's hard to breathe but you won't complain.  
This is not what you expected. This is precious and you don't want it to stop.  
  
"You stupid piece of shit," he sobs into your neck "how could you do this to me..i thought i lost my diamond.."

"Karbro... shit, you said.."

"I KNOW WHAT I SAID. And i didn't mean it. Gamzee i fucked up. I r-regeretted the second i spilled s-shit, i am sorry. I'm so, s-so.. so s-sorry please don't l-leave me, i n-need you. You know what a p-piece of sh..shit i am, it's me, it ain't you, and you are m-my only and f-fated diamond..i.. i'm sorry please G-Gamzee..i...i" he can't breathe and stutters and you... you pity him so much.

"Shoosh, motherfucker." you whisper as soft as you know how, curl your fingers all up in his hair and press him closer, as close as your bodies allow. One of your hands fondle at the base of his horn, making him purr through his heartbreaking sobs sweetly, while your other pets his back, so careful, so lovely, so pale.  
An he presses closer, hugging you tighter, embracing you and your touches and not ready to ever let go.  
  
You move so you can kiss at the nape of his neck, give him a soft bite here and there, and move closer to his ear to whisper, _I'm sorry, little brother_.

You pull his broken, sad little self above you as you lie back down, him lying there with you, and having both of you falling fast asleep as you are cuddling against each other, purring, chirping, caring for one another, drowning fully and completely and utterly in palest love.  
  
  


* * *

 

Aradia dismissed you of the medical block about two days ago, after she held you captured there for almost a week. And now you are back in your shitty block. The block that isn't quite so motherfucking shitty anymore, really.

Terezi and Nepeta were so kind so clean up your block while you were gone.  
They even washed your clothes, yes even your pile of cushions, making all their colors shine brightly again, in all the colors of rainbow, smelling all like grape and cherries and chocolate an blueberries.  
All the smell you love.. for.. special reasons. There are even a few fucking horns spread on the ground, just like back home, in your hive.  
Equius even went all up and fixed the door he had apparently broken. Pretty damn sweet of those little motherfuckers.  
Even fixed the walls and mirrors you were all up and destroying and smearing purple when you flipped your shits.

Your place looks even more gorgeous than ever. It's all colorful and most of the plain, depressing grey is gone.  
Nepeta even drew some fucking dragons on your wall, probably on Terezis behalf.  
Well dragons ..and your quadrants.  
She drew your fucking _quadrants_ on a wall.  
There a picture of You with Equius and you are kind of... what is that supposed to be, wrestling ? Or is it.. oh .. oh god. Oh. Motherfucking. God.  
Then there's You with Tav, with hearts, all miracle red, all over your heads, kissing each other in messy ways, fingers tangled, holding hands so cute and lovely.  
And last but not least, You with Karkat, hugging each other, petting each others backs and sweet little dimoands floating all around you.  
  
Holy shit.  
That sister is a shipper, through and through.  
It was weird, so fucking funny at first, made you chuckle. Still is, still does.  
But feels just a bit more like home. You are comfortable here for the very first time.

You even met fucking Vriska once, on your way back, chatting with Sollux and there's she was, appearing out of thin air and sheepishly looked down and started babbling at you.  
You weren't hyped to see her, to say the least, but she apologized for being a complete bone bulge to you.  
But you were surprised and appreciated the act, that's for sure.  
And you can't be all too mad at a sister that approaches and offers an excuse to a motherfucker. That really wasn't like her, and you, you appreciated.  
  
The week was a long one, a tough one.  
  
You were hurting, you felt sleepy all the fucking time, Aradia was all up teasing and mocking you and called you _sleepy-head_ everytime when she woke you for meals or visitors.  
And it was true, you basically slept at least 70 percent of the days.  
And you were so fucking weak, you practially felt that you were out of blood. Moving was a complete farce, every muscle hurt like a bitch and you just barely had the energy to stand on your own two feet.  
  
Also your quadrants came for visit now and again, almost nightly even.  
Equius was definitely pissed at you, you had scared him, but he didn't dare to blame you all to harshly. He even apologized for calling you by your first name and GOD DAMN IT, you were fucking perplexed at that. There was a miracle happening and you were all out and gone and didn't have your notice on it happening.  
That's a fucking shame, you definitely have to push him sideways until he says your name again, when you're actually _concious_.

You had long talks and cuddling-sessions with Karkat, and you will have even longer ones with Tav.

You sit here, in your pretty, new but also old block, and ...

There's a little knock on your door, all shy and quiet and you, yeah you motherfuckin' rush, you waited for him to come. You awaited this late night, longed for it. Longed for him and your time alone.

This actually just the first night, that the two of you finally manage to be alone ever since the incident. You were practically surrounded by your other friends during all motherfuckin' week. At least one was always there, especially Aradia or Sollux, keeping an eye out for you, still a bit worried you may fuck around with your body again.  
Also Tav was still busy with his... project, whatever the fuck that is, and didn't have a lot of free-time. Whenever he did, there was someone else around and you were getting really, really pissed at that.

But now he is right here. He enters as you stare down on him, and hit hot gaze meets your cold one. And falls around your neck, pulling you in close, breathing against your neck, placing soft, eager little kisses on it and you curl your long arms around your smaller lover in return and have to snicker. Seems like you weren't the only one yearning for your matesprit.

You have talked before, though. He wanted to know everything that happened that day.  
That happened inside of you. And you told him the truth. Karkat was there at the time, feeling hella guilty, but he was there and got your back and you had the courage to talk about that day to Tav.

He totally motherfuckin' wanted to punch you in the face for assuming he went flushed for Vriska. He also wanted to fucking stab Karkat with his horns for hurting you.  
He didn't do it, of course, wouldn't ever hurt you, he said. And you doubt he would seriously injure Karkat aswell, not as long as you were okay and all fixed up your precious diamond.  
Not that you can imgaine him injure someone at all, to be honest. He is a fucking angel.

But he was really furious and disgusted by the thought. It gave him the fucking creeps. You haven't seen Tav being mad before, not really, not like _this_.  
This was the first time you could actually feel the rage boiling in his veins. You were shocked, you were so shocked, Karbro said your face was fucking priceless and he really had to surpress laughing out loud, since it was kind of a serious circumstance.  
Then, after having your ears talked off, you felt pretty stupid for ever even allowing yourself to think that.  
Your think pan was fucked up, that's for motherfuckin' sure. Those evil thoughts really were absurd, but you definitely couldn't have stopped your mind, they just haunted you down, even though you crawled from them, like a worm would crawl from a bird, but you couldn't just unthink them, even if they didn't make any sense. At least they don't make sense anymore.  
That day.. they did. They did make sense, it felt like proven reality. And you told him so.  
But Tav just shook his head at you, making little hissing noises as he reflected your words further, comforting you and whispering assuring little nothings at you. Calmed you all down and cleared the air.  
Cleared your think pan.  
Casted out all the demons on your mind.

And now, in the present, he is here. In your colorful, well fragranted block.  
He fits in your arms so perfectly, like your arms were only made to hold him and he feels all hot and you feel so unbearably comfortable.

Suddenly, he pulls away to face you, his hands reach out for you.  
He places them softly on each of your still aching but also throbbing horns, pulling you forwards him and then kisses you, warmly.

"If only you could, see yourself the way i, see you, then you would know you have, no reason to ever fear losing, me. You feel like home to me. I feel safe with you. I, am so red, for you, Gamzee. Only you. I'm so, _flushed_ for you."

Your heart skips a beat.  
You take on of his hands in yours and bring it to your lips, kiss his fingers softly and purr at him.

"I...Flushed for you too, sweetest of all motherfuckers. So..so deeply flushed for you."

He smiles und gives you the slightest purr in return, rubbing his cheek against yours and kisses your nose, but pushes away from you afterwards.

"Gamzee. It's, uh, late. You still, need rest. Get in your coon."

His warm lips meet yours again, all sweet like chocolate, his fingers wander under you shirt and caress gently over your skin, gently and desirously, making little sparks of static dance across your skin. You want to savor that feeling, that moment, you want it to last forever.

"I-it's not that late motherfucker. Won't you stay a bit longer with a brother ? Or.. stay the day.. ?" you breath into his mouth and then you grin at him, all innocent and sheepishly. God you could die happy if he actually stayed the day. This could be the day your actual first time with each other, your body throbs all over for him and your bloodpusher beats hard against your ribcage, it almost hurts, and, oh, the things you would do to your reddest brother, the things you would love done to you, and then share a coon after you did him all good and.....  
God, no, you motherfucking pervert, you are spacing out again and.. and are you drooling !?

"Uh.. " he stares and blinks at your face, blushing, as if he knew what you were thinking about, giggling all low and quiet "..not, today. Soon, very, very soon Gamzee. But, not today. Sleep, rest. I will, uh, see you when, you wake up, i promise."

You sigh. Deepest ~~honk~~ sigh of them all. But you give in, you really don't want to force yourself on Tavros. You will see him when you wake up the next night, he promised.  
So you smile at the thought.  
He was still pretty busy, but he takes his time for you yet again.  
Makes a motherfucker so goddamn happy.

"Alright, motherfucker. Sleep tight my best beloved." you press a little kiss goodbye on his lips. You hear him whisper softly "You, will get your little private, firework show." he giggles again, and then watch him leave your block with a wide smile, waving at you like a sweet little wriggler.

 _Siiiigh._  
  
You lock the door, turn around and head for your ablutions block.  
Time to scrub that teeth, get out of the old clothes and get into your coon.  
The sooner you sleep, the sooner you will wake and see him again.

And as you clean your fangs, you think things are still pretty weird actually, despite everyone being a lot nicer to you than they were before.  
It doesn't go unnoticed, that they're all still behaving pretty motherfuckin' strange.  
They still seem to avoid you. But you don't worry so much about it anymore.  
Your pan is all calm and you got your chill on things now again.  
You really feel a lot fucking better.

The medication also helped you to get over your sopor-detoxification, you think.  
You are motherfucking proud here, alright, you even manage to sleep in your coon again, without being all scared and tense, without the slightest fear of relapse.  
And your coon definitely helps you heal up. Some wounds will definitely take a bit more time to scar, but you feel all better. Some of your bones are still a mess, that will take even more time to heal, but overall, you feel better by a fucking lot. Your horns still ache if touched too rough, but not nearly as much as they did last week. You are healing well, and you feel pretty great, despite the remaining hurt.  
You even dare to say you can feel happiness, again.  
Motherfuckin' miracles.

And then you are all up and done, heading back to your private place, ready for the warmth of your coon as you hop right in and make yourself comfortable in there.  
Ready for some sun-drenched dreams, resting all nice and well and so, so much looking forward to waking up again.  
And as you drift away, you wear the widest and brightest smile of them all.  
  
  


* * *

  


It's been an hour since you woke up.

You were crawling out of your coon, still feeling all fuzzy and sleepy, but you are hyped.  
This is going to be an awesome night. You are about to see your best beloved and your just so on edge about that. If one didn't now you're clean, they would definitely assume you're just being high. Well you are. High on _happiness_ , motherfucker.

You already showered, being all clean and fresh and smelling all nice, cleaned your hair properly and brushed through your soft curls after you dried them up, your teeth all clean and you got a fresh pair of your favorite clothes that fit like a glove. Mooore or less at least. Maybe they're just a bit too wide, but that's how you like it.  
And, of course, the most important things of all, you got that fresh paint on.  
Paint. Oh how you missed the smell and the feeling.

And now, you're all fucking set.  
You jam a little to yourself, all happily, as you lock your door open and exit your block.

And suddenly, you stand still, and look down to your shoes, down at the floor. Baffled.  
What the fuck is that supposed to mean ?

There is an arrow drawn on the floor. Followed my many more arrows, in all the colors one could possible imagine, leading to only one direction. And the first one says _follow me_.

Okaaay. Okay, sure motherfucker, why not.

If that thing, maybe, leads you right up to Tavbro's hiding spot, then that's pretty welcome, you think.

Did Tav drew all of these ? Holy fuck, did he leave so early because that's what he's been up to ? Drawing arrows on the floor ? Not like the little brother just could've told you to head to any block. Or.. just stayed with you to begin with.  
Yeeeeeah, of course not, this was definitely less complicated....  
Motherfuck, what the shit was he thinking ?  
You have to chuckle to yourself as you follow the arrows guiding you. And you follow, and follow and follow them through half the castle. You can't unnotice that there are little doodles beside those arrows. It's flowers and stars and diamonds and hearts and.. and even a dragon.  
Of course, a fucking dragon, that makes sense. Now that you had a closer look, those things seem a lot more like Nepeta's scribbling instead of Tavros'.  
Motherfuckin strange things happen here.

And then you are lead to the big black back door, that doesn't lead to any block but outside, to the large gardens in the backyard.  
There's even a piece of paper sticking to it, telling you to " _open me_ ".  
No shit, motherfucker. You thought you were just up and gonna stand here the whole night.  
Instruction for dead-pans, that is, thank you for the confidence.

You fight against the big, heavy door, to lift it open. It's made fully out of metal, making it more heavy than it needed to be, and it's tinted in beautiful black.  
The door is actually pretty stunning, you think. Perfect craftsmanship, with many different patterns, which look hella old and classy and it gives the castle an even more noble touch.  
And fuck, what's with that, you sound like Equius, the motherfucker is rubbing off on you.  
You slip through the little gap you managed to open up und enter the court.  
Oh, big news flash, more arrows. Down the stairs.  
You are on a big stoney balcony, two rows of stairs on each side, leading down, through gorgeous rose arches, to the wide garden that's surrounded by walls of shrubs.  
With all kinds of flora and fauna. And really, all kinds.  
Tav always liked the place. You liked the place.  
Everyone liked the place, to be honest. It is peaceful and colorful, there's a lot to see, any imaginable kind of flowers, big and small, well smelling, and some even stinky to your taste. Lovely little animals living there, being all trusting, and sweet, demanding and searching your pockets for some treats, not showing even slightest sign of fear toward you trolls.  
The ideal place to just get your chill on and drift away.

You make your way through bushed and flowers, following the arrows still, now hung up and drawn on little sheets of paper. You close your eyes and just sniff for a moment. It really smells wonderful, that place. It's so full of miracles.

After only a few steps of eyjoying this sweet tasting air later, you open up your peepers yet again and you come to halt. And you just stare, disbelieving.  
  


There is Tavros. There's the one, little, delicious motherfucker you've been looking for.  
He is standing right there, in the middle of this wonderful and precious place.  


And he is not alone.  


There's 10 other trolls gathering up around him.  
And they all stare at you with wide grinning faces, seemingly letting you realize what's going on for a few seconds.

They're all just standing there, infront of a big, fat table, made of noble, expensive wood, with 12 chairs arranged around it. And only one is the biggest, looking like an actual throne.  
And there's balloons in all your colors, tied up on thicker flowers, on branches, on chairs.  
There's a piles of packages, gifts almost, all wrapped up perfectly, in shining and glittering purple paper with all kinds of different colored ribbons. In eleven different colors, strictly speaking.  
The table is filled with all kinds of lovely detailed decorated pastries, bottles of Faygo in all the falvors that ever existed, some booze aswell, and even more food which you can't possibly all make out.  
But you see grubsteaks, grubloaf and tuber paste, bread, all kind of sauces and flavorings and many, many more.  
  
And the middle a huge Faygo-Bottle, painted in purple frosting and it's definitely a cake and it looks so perfect.  
A dazzling sight is what that is.  
Your eyes grow so motherfucking wide you fear they might pop out completely.

And they snicker and grin wider and suddenly call out to you in unison.

" **HAPPY 10th WRIGGLING DAY !!!** "  


And at that there's a shower of confetti and glitter, some trolls popping champagne corks and cheer and laugh and smile.

And you. You just stare.  
You feel a deep brush spread on your face, a soft smile forms on your lips and tears fill the corner of your eyes.  
You went up and all forgot about this day.  
This is it.. this was them being all up and avoiding and being motherfuckin' assholes to you. It's this.  
Holy. Shit.

And as everyone starts to party hard, to drink and laugh and congratulating you, wishing you well and present you with the most beautiful words you've ever heared. You're also approached by your quadrants. Equius and Karkat just hug the shit out of you and plant soft kisses on your cheeks, on your forehead, whispering sweet little nothings at you.

Tav shoves them away, obviously losing patience at them taking all your attention. He wants his turn. And he gets it. He takes it.

He pulls you away only just a few meters, wraps his little arms all around you, he kisses away your tears of joy and holds you tight, kisses your jaw and directs you to look up the sky.

You hear loud bangs followed by even more and more bangs, explosions even, and you twitch at that for a second and suddenly the sky above your head glows all bright in purple glittering, sparkling fireworks.

"Happy wriggling day, Gamzee. We love you. _I love you._ " he whispers, all soft and slow, with the widest and most lovingly smile on his shining face, pressing against your back with his arms wrapped around your waist and eyes fixated on all the shining diamonds above.  


And you.  
You smile as your fingers search for your matesprits, as you dig them into his and just consume all of the event.  
This is gonna be one hell of a night, you know. The best night you ever had.  
You smile so hard and so wide and all you feel is pure joy, pure love and pure fulfillment.

  
  
You were wrong.  


Your sky isn't starless.  


It's the most full, the most shining and the most bright in the whole Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey, i don't really know what to think about this final chapter, it's probably pretty crappy, but here you go. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. :o) !


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